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Many children with attachment disorders are adopted by well-meaning
parents who are ill-prepared to handle the child's severe emotional
and behavioral problems. These children are unable to give and receive
love and affection, are physically and emotionally abusive to caregivers,
siblings and peers, constantly defy parental rules and authority, and
create ongoing stress and turmoil in the family. As a result of insufficient
pre-adoptive and post-adoptive placement services families and marriages
suffer.
Many parents of attachment disordered children
have been "through the mill" of
mental health and social service programs. They are commonly blamed for their
child's problems, denied access to social service records, and thoroughly frustrated
in their attempts to get help. They are angry with their child, feel guilty and
inadequate, and are often on the verge of relinquishment. The therapeutic challenge
is to enhance parents' positive emotion, instill hope, increase parents' motivation,
and create a more effective model through which to view their parenting role
and understanding of their child. Parenting an attachment disordered child requires
a particular attitude, steadfastness, consistency and a tremendous amount of
creativity and energy.
Emotionally healthy children have an innate desire to please their parents; attachment
disordered children fail to consider the feelings of others. They are extremely
self-centered and lack the desire for intimacy. These children developed these
personality structures as a defense to their early life traumas. The defense
is designed to avoid being hurt further either emotionally or physically. Although
these defenses served a function early in life, which was to simply survive,
they are no longer necessary for their physical or emotional wellbeing. Children
cannot relax when they feel a constant need to control their environment; and
unfortunately, the trauma has been locked in and prevents the child from recognizing
he or she is now in safe hands. Therefore, it is necessary to create an environment
that allows the child to relax by learning to trust the good caretakers in the
child's life today.
Unfortunately, relaxation comes with a price, which for the child feels like
complete terror of losing the power they once felt. Their ability to control
the family situations must be lovingly removed, and they must be guided through
the difficult reactions of feeling out of control. But first, parents must learn
basic concepts that enable them to maintain a safe, loving, positive and powerful
parenting style. If the parents are in control, the child will not need to be.
These basic concepts begin with parenting strategies developed by Dr. Foster
Cline and Jim Fay. Parenting with Love and Logic is an excellent book that describes
these basic concepts. In addition, Evergreen Consultants distributes a book,
video tape, and audio tape series by Dr. Cline titled Success
in Parenting that is also an invaluable resource. These concepts are only
the beginning and should be used with all children, attachment disordered or
not. Our parenting strategies move beyond the basic concepts described by Dr.
Cline and Mr. Fay. Nancy Thomas' book, When Love is Not Enough,
has good descriptions of many of these strategies.
Our primary goal is to help children learn to be respectful, responsible, reciprocal
and fun to be around. In order to accomplish this goal, parents must create an
environment that provides a balance of structure and nurturance that is in sync
with the capabilities of the child. As the child moves closer to these goals,
the structure may be minimized.
Some basic
strategies follow:
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The number one rule of therapeutic parenting is Take good care
of yourself!
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Be proactive rather than reactive.
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Avoid triangulation. Do not allow your child to play one parent
against the other.
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Create an emotionally as well as physically safe environment:
Avoid sarcasm and anger.
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Use natural consequences to teach life lessons.
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Use empathy in the face of these consequences.
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Communicate in a loving manner; set a positive tone.
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Use thinking rather than fighting words.
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Save the pizzazz for the positive behavior, use neutrality with
the negative.
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Allow your child to express his/her feelings verbally.
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Minimize use of the television.
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Only give choices you can live with.
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Be consistent.
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Avoid power struggles.
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Determine whose problem it is and if it is not yours, stay out
of it.
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Assess what the child can handle and only allow freedoms and responsibilities
that will result in opportunities for success.
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Keep a sense of humor.
Remember, it is not the parent's job
to "fix" the
child, it is your job to create an environment conducive to healing
and loving.
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